Thursday, September 24, 2009
my dear old love
When you are the last person I see before ending my evening, it allows me to pretend things are the way they were, and I am happy again.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
love is a mixtape.
You made me a playlist that I now listen to obsessively.
I breathe in each lyric that I think means something. I breathe in lyrics like I am breathing in the scent of your skin. Lyrics that express addiction to a person. Lyrics that dabble in our love "being alive." I breathe in these lyrics while I sleep, and I am sleeping to dream of you. I breathe in these lyrics with each strained breath as I run, and I have been running so hard to forget you that I struggled to sit to write these words because my thighs ache as much as my heart.
Questions repeat in my mind as I shower. As I do the dishes. As I walk to work. As I live my life virtually without you in it.
Was it real? Do we really feel this way about each other? Is it just me suffering?
I have cried so often, so randomly, I was convinced it was hormonal and that I was pregnant, even though I was bleeding at the time. I read the instructions to the First Response test I bought dozens of times, just to make sure I was right. Of course, and quite luckily, I am not pregnant.
I have reacted so violently to all of this that I am now convinced I am out of my mind.
I preferred things when we were sneaking around. I got to see you, and talk to you, and touch you much more often. It's not about sex. It's about me needing you. It's about me needing us.
I breathe in each lyric that I think means something. I breathe in lyrics like I am breathing in the scent of your skin. Lyrics that express addiction to a person. Lyrics that dabble in our love "being alive." I breathe in these lyrics while I sleep, and I am sleeping to dream of you. I breathe in these lyrics with each strained breath as I run, and I have been running so hard to forget you that I struggled to sit to write these words because my thighs ache as much as my heart.
Questions repeat in my mind as I shower. As I do the dishes. As I walk to work. As I live my life virtually without you in it.
Was it real? Do we really feel this way about each other? Is it just me suffering?
I have cried so often, so randomly, I was convinced it was hormonal and that I was pregnant, even though I was bleeding at the time. I read the instructions to the First Response test I bought dozens of times, just to make sure I was right. Of course, and quite luckily, I am not pregnant.
I have reacted so violently to all of this that I am now convinced I am out of my mind.
I preferred things when we were sneaking around. I got to see you, and talk to you, and touch you much more often. It's not about sex. It's about me needing you. It's about me needing us.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
vanilla skies vs. reality
In a waking dream you and I were young parents trying to keep the romance alive in our equally young marriage.
You were a really great father, and I tried to convince you that the sounds on the baby monitor were perfectly natural.
alas, it killed the mood.
even in my surreal life, my unborn daughter is her daddy's girl.
You were a really great father, and I tried to convince you that the sounds on the baby monitor were perfectly natural.
alas, it killed the mood.
even in my surreal life, my unborn daughter is her daddy's girl.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Final days and more dental news
I did not have teeth extracted last week. Instead, I received anti-biotics, an explanation that my old root canal was not done properly and must be retreated. My dentist is wonderful, and actually asked if I have any interest in braces, which I do.
I have no qualms about being the 30 year old with braces.
Last night I had a dream that I had divorce papers served, and Joel tried to counter-sue me for something. To win my case, I posted an ad on Craigslist asking for all women that he was sexually involved with while we were together to contact me. I managed to get thirteen women to give me signed and notarized testimony to serve as evidence of his infidelities.
In my dream, the judge was impressed with my work.
I have no qualms about being the 30 year old with braces.
Last night I had a dream that I had divorce papers served, and Joel tried to counter-sue me for something. To win my case, I posted an ad on Craigslist asking for all women that he was sexually involved with while we were together to contact me. I managed to get thirteen women to give me signed and notarized testimony to serve as evidence of his infidelities.
In my dream, the judge was impressed with my work.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Fruit, Fruitiness, and Rotting Teeth
Is it weird that I feel cute/sexy when I eat apples?
I ate one, and now my rotting tooth hurts worse. Luckily/Unfortunately, I have a dentist appointment in the morning. I'm hoping they'll yank out a couple and replace them with some false teeth.
I just saw my only ILM dreamboat. It's funny. I don't want to date him, or sleep with him, for that matter. I just want to receive his hugs, which are great, and admire his good looks and listen to him play guitar and talk to him about things.
My two big bosses just left for a roadtrip to visit some clients.
My productivity is completely shot.
I ate one, and now my rotting tooth hurts worse. Luckily/Unfortunately, I have a dentist appointment in the morning. I'm hoping they'll yank out a couple and replace them with some false teeth.
I just saw my only ILM dreamboat. It's funny. I don't want to date him, or sleep with him, for that matter. I just want to receive his hugs, which are great, and admire his good looks and listen to him play guitar and talk to him about things.
My two big bosses just left for a roadtrip to visit some clients.
My productivity is completely shot.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Things about stuff that is good for me emotionally
I got to see my brother.
He and his band, JVA, and Hercules, an Omaha band on tour with them, played at the Soapbox and stayed at mi casa for a few days. I can confidently say that my house can comfortably hold a lot of sleepy/drunk people.
I'm really too exhausted to even think right now -- more later, I suppose.
I just wanted to say that I am going to sleep a) sober b) happy.
Also, I think it's hilarious that after all this time, I still have a crush on Mellow. I guess it's hilarious because we see each other once a year and don't really make contact otherwise.
Oh well. It's no secret that I am a silly, silly woman.
Alright. Sleep awaits.
He and his band, JVA, and Hercules, an Omaha band on tour with them, played at the Soapbox and stayed at mi casa for a few days. I can confidently say that my house can comfortably hold a lot of sleepy/drunk people.
I'm really too exhausted to even think right now -- more later, I suppose.
I just wanted to say that I am going to sleep a) sober b) happy.
Also, I think it's hilarious that after all this time, I still have a crush on Mellow. I guess it's hilarious because we see each other once a year and don't really make contact otherwise.
Oh well. It's no secret that I am a silly, silly woman.
Alright. Sleep awaits.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
In case you were wondering...
It has been nearly a year since I left you, yet it still stings when I hear what you told people I was to you.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
dream a little dream of..
I wonder if I will ever surrender the fantasy of a quirky little man stalking me (in a pleasing, not frightening manner) and leaving gifts like mixtapes and gadgets and books on my doorstep and/or in my mailbox.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Dehydration Dreams
I had disturbing dreams last night involving sex with friends and helping my brother run from a random man.
I need to drink more water.
I need to drink more water.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
I am like you, only different.
I understand the origin of Valentine's Day. I agree that it is a holiday in which the meaning has been slightly skewed, too. It was based on two dudes dying, turned into a day to celebrate love, and is now centered around money and how big of a diamond a man can get a woman.
With that said, I hope that someday, despite our knowledge of the weirdness and silliness surrounding the holiday, someone will hand me a brightly colored piece of cardboard, tell me they love me, and mean it.
With that said, I hope that someday, despite our knowledge of the weirdness and silliness surrounding the holiday, someone will hand me a brightly colored piece of cardboard, tell me they love me, and mean it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
not an ulcer -- just a hole in reality
Stomach aches come from knowing, or thinking, that I am always a victim of timing and/or distance.
I know good when I see it.
I find this frustrating.
I know good when I see it.
I find this frustrating.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
25 things
everyone on facebook is posting those slightly annoying, slightly interesting '25 random things about yourself' notes.
here's mine.
1. I have baby fever, yet I still question whether or not I want to raise children.
2. I become really, really uncomfortable if I accidentally hear people I know having sex.
3. I only get a really good night's sleep in complete silence and complete darkness.
4. I wish I had been more disciplined when trying to learn guitar years ago.
5. The smell of chilies roasting over fire is my favorite smell. Ever.
6. I wish I believed in God. It seems to comfort a lot of people.
7. I have a scar above one of my eyes that only my parents can see -- and it's usually when I'm coming down with an illness that they notice it. I got this scar when I fell down cement stairs at my Aunt's wedding when I was four.
8. My earliest memories include my great Aunt's funeral, my mother's cat being hit by a car, and my neighbor paddling me for throwing sand at her daughter. Oddly enough, I was a very happy child!
9. I become jealous of really weird things -- like couples that seem really happy and functional.
10. I really enjoy reading, but I'm more inclined to watch movies because I find it easier to insert my own life into the plot.
11. I love dancing. It always makes me happy. Someday I'd like to learn actual dance steps.
12. I secretly judge people who use poor grammar when they speak.
13. I am really really bad at math.
14. I regret not trying harder in college the first time around.
15. I am addicted to coffee, and will warm up the same cup full up to seven times.
16. I am horribly afraid of vomit, yet have no issues cleaning up urine, feces, or blood -- with gloves, of course.
17. I have difficulties focusing on the problem at hand if the person explaining it is long-winded.
18. I like my hands and feet for some reason.
19. I wrecked my friend's motorcycle once, and have no desire to ever ride one again.
20. I have spent time in jail.
21. An exboyfriend once threatened to tell my father that my mother was having an affair so that I wouldn't break up with him. (My mom wasn't really unfaithful, FYI.)
22. I am not the world's best gift-giver. I think it's the pressure, really.
23. I often think if I buy a specific item (electronic, accessory, cd) that my life will make more sense. I often wish someone would talk me out of this trait.
24. I hate corndogs, but I like corn bread, and I like hot dogs.
25. I do not like not wearing underwear. (except for showering, a good romp, etc.)
And that's that.
here's mine.
1. I have baby fever, yet I still question whether or not I want to raise children.
2. I become really, really uncomfortable if I accidentally hear people I know having sex.
3. I only get a really good night's sleep in complete silence and complete darkness.
4. I wish I had been more disciplined when trying to learn guitar years ago.
5. The smell of chilies roasting over fire is my favorite smell. Ever.
6. I wish I believed in God. It seems to comfort a lot of people.
7. I have a scar above one of my eyes that only my parents can see -- and it's usually when I'm coming down with an illness that they notice it. I got this scar when I fell down cement stairs at my Aunt's wedding when I was four.
8. My earliest memories include my great Aunt's funeral, my mother's cat being hit by a car, and my neighbor paddling me for throwing sand at her daughter. Oddly enough, I was a very happy child!
9. I become jealous of really weird things -- like couples that seem really happy and functional.
10. I really enjoy reading, but I'm more inclined to watch movies because I find it easier to insert my own life into the plot.
11. I love dancing. It always makes me happy. Someday I'd like to learn actual dance steps.
12. I secretly judge people who use poor grammar when they speak.
13. I am really really bad at math.
14. I regret not trying harder in college the first time around.
15. I am addicted to coffee, and will warm up the same cup full up to seven times.
16. I am horribly afraid of vomit, yet have no issues cleaning up urine, feces, or blood -- with gloves, of course.
17. I have difficulties focusing on the problem at hand if the person explaining it is long-winded.
18. I like my hands and feet for some reason.
19. I wrecked my friend's motorcycle once, and have no desire to ever ride one again.
20. I have spent time in jail.
21. An exboyfriend once threatened to tell my father that my mother was having an affair so that I wouldn't break up with him. (My mom wasn't really unfaithful, FYI.)
22. I am not the world's best gift-giver. I think it's the pressure, really.
23. I often think if I buy a specific item (electronic, accessory, cd) that my life will make more sense. I often wish someone would talk me out of this trait.
24. I hate corndogs, but I like corn bread, and I like hot dogs.
25. I do not like not wearing underwear. (except for showering, a good romp, etc.)
And that's that.
Monday, January 26, 2009
makes it grow fonder
the thing is, i think i could be able to ignore my obsessive ways if i had more hobbies.
people become my hobby. at least thinking about them incessantly does.
and incessantly thinking about someone i cannot be around all the time makes creating my fantasy life even easier, which is something i enjoy.
people become my hobby. at least thinking about them incessantly does.
and incessantly thinking about someone i cannot be around all the time makes creating my fantasy life even easier, which is something i enjoy.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
death, dishonor, etc
I am against the death penalty.
I will remain against the death penalty.
I can't even watch television scenes of the death penalty.
I sob, and think that it doesn't solve anything.
I somehow think that, in death, people still deserve a certain amount of forgiveness.
I will remain against the death penalty.
I can't even watch television scenes of the death penalty.
I sob, and think that it doesn't solve anything.
I somehow think that, in death, people still deserve a certain amount of forgiveness.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
things i like and/or do not like
1. blood oranges
2. wasa crackers with peanut butter
3. asking me work-related things while i am on a break, specifically in the break room
4. asking me to find you drugs (because i always know where to get the best) and then telling me it's actually for your friend and asking me to meet them downtown
5. my job
6. hypochondriacs
7. succotash
2. wasa crackers with peanut butter
3. asking me work-related things while i am on a break, specifically in the break room
4. asking me to find you drugs (because i always know where to get the best) and then telling me it's actually for your friend and asking me to meet them downtown
5. my job
6. hypochondriacs
7. succotash
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
social forums
i just logged into Facebook, which I do not do often.
Joel and I are still friends on said forum, apparently.
He changed his status to single today.
I almost choked I laughed so hard.
A wee bit late, right dear?
Joel and I are still friends on said forum, apparently.
He changed his status to single today.
I almost choked I laughed so hard.
A wee bit late, right dear?
Monday, January 19, 2009
and so now i am angry.
Last night I had a dream that someone was trying to break into my bedroom by slicing the screen on the window. I tried to yell but my voice wouldn't come.
Then I flashed to the Soapbox and Joel was there and looked good -- the way he did when he took care of himself when he was still enlisted.
STOP INVADING MY DREAMS, ASSHOLE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND.
Then I flashed to the Soapbox and Joel was there and looked good -- the way he did when he took care of himself when he was still enlisted.
STOP INVADING MY DREAMS, ASSHOLE. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I take it back.
I feel kind of unattractive today.
I need a shower, some yoga, and good underwear dance, and a glass of wine.
A trip to southern California would also help.
I'm just sayin'..
I need a shower, some yoga, and good underwear dance, and a glass of wine.
A trip to southern California would also help.
I'm just sayin'..
Monday, January 12, 2009
Happy Unbirthday, Aimee
i BOUGHT A NNEW COMPUTER AND IT'S SO AWESOME AHHHHHHHHHH
NOW I JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TYPE ON THIS ITTY BITTY KEYBOARD.
NOW I JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TYPE ON THIS ITTY BITTY KEYBOARD.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
why can't i predict things?
I'm drunk, yes, but -- what the fuck?
When did I start calling and wondering why he did or didn't answer his phone?
KNOCK IT OFF, AIMEE. THIS IS GOING AGAINST YOUR GRAND MASTER PLAN.
When did I start calling and wondering why he did or didn't answer his phone?
KNOCK IT OFF, AIMEE. THIS IS GOING AGAINST YOUR GRAND MASTER PLAN.
sometimes i make good decisions.
I erased all of Joel's emails except for like, two, a long time ago, apparently.
Now it's time to go through photographs.
Wine is half gone.
And another thing: why doesn't Josephine cover her poop?
Now it's time to go through photographs.
Wine is half gone.
And another thing: why doesn't Josephine cover her poop?
hit me baby. one more time.
Last night I ran into Joel at the Blue Post. He told me he was enjoying one of his last beers in this town for a while, because he is leaving Tuesday. He said it with such nonchalance that it felt like he was spitting in my face.
He will be gone in a matter of days.
Armed with a pack of smokes, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, leftovers from last night, and all of the albums that remind me of him, I am allowing myself one last time to reflect. To cry. To care.
I am hurt, still. Even more so, I am angry. I am pissed the fuck off. I acknowledge the bad decisions that I have made -- but I am so fucking angry. I am angry that I ignored myself. I am angry that I stood by his side for so long. I am angry that he didn't have the courage to tell me it wasn't meant to be; he didn't love me. I am angry that even after fighting in a war twice, he is a coward in real life. I am angry that I tried so hard to be such a good wife. I was supportive. I was as understanding as any woman could be when the man she loved left for work hours too early each day, or when said man didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. I am angry for remaining so naive when, in the past, I would've known better.
I've told dozens upon dozens of people that I do not regret living in this town. That is true. With that said, I am angry that I left my family. God I miss my family, and yes, I blame him. I blame him for the outcome of our relationship. I even blame him for some of the bad decisions I have made since our relationship ended. I firmly believe that I make better decisions when I am of sound mind, and I have not been.
I will never forget the moment his father asked why I moved here. I will never forget his excuse the next day, "I don't have the same relationship with my family as you have with yours." I won't forget, but it is finally starting to sting a little bit less.
He doesn't even want me to have his new phone number. Even after we were friends, at least I thought we were, for a while anyway. He seemed to have ceased all contact with me after he admitted, on a drunken evening, that he was sorry for how it all ended. That pisses me off, too.
I find it slightly amusing that, since he wasn't able to tell me any of his future plans himself, I've heard multiple stories from multiple people. He's going to open a bar in Omaha with a friend. He's going to work for Union Pacific. He's going back to school. He's going to be a security guard with his dad. He's going to work for the DEA. I don't wish failure for him. I wish happiness; I wish success.
I just hope I am happier and even more successful.
And goodness gracious, I hope that this was the last slap I needed to get myself there. As lame and excuse-giving as it may sound, I think I've held back a tiny bit in his presence. I mean, since the end. Now I have no excuses to be that much better of a person than he is rightthissecond.
I really really wish I wasn't the one who will have to fork over the cash for our divorce. It's funny that it was $45 and the cost of rings to get married, yet it will cost at least $500 to get unhitched in the state of North Carolina. Ugh.
I really wish I hadn't been so hasty. I really wish that I paid more attention to logic than my heart and my happy little imaginary life sometimes. I wish I had listened to my mother.
I really can create perfection in my mind. In my mind, we were about to have it. And then reality happened. And then I created a very poor reality for a while. Seriously, what was I thinking? Oh, right. I was on the search for someone who was nothing like him.
I still am, I'm just slowing down the steps. A lot. Finally.
He will be gone in a matter of days.
Armed with a pack of smokes, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, leftovers from last night, and all of the albums that remind me of him, I am allowing myself one last time to reflect. To cry. To care.
I am hurt, still. Even more so, I am angry. I am pissed the fuck off. I acknowledge the bad decisions that I have made -- but I am so fucking angry. I am angry that I ignored myself. I am angry that I stood by his side for so long. I am angry that he didn't have the courage to tell me it wasn't meant to be; he didn't love me. I am angry that even after fighting in a war twice, he is a coward in real life. I am angry that I tried so hard to be such a good wife. I was supportive. I was as understanding as any woman could be when the man she loved left for work hours too early each day, or when said man didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning. I am angry for remaining so naive when, in the past, I would've known better.
I've told dozens upon dozens of people that I do not regret living in this town. That is true. With that said, I am angry that I left my family. God I miss my family, and yes, I blame him. I blame him for the outcome of our relationship. I even blame him for some of the bad decisions I have made since our relationship ended. I firmly believe that I make better decisions when I am of sound mind, and I have not been.
I will never forget the moment his father asked why I moved here. I will never forget his excuse the next day, "I don't have the same relationship with my family as you have with yours." I won't forget, but it is finally starting to sting a little bit less.
He doesn't even want me to have his new phone number. Even after we were friends, at least I thought we were, for a while anyway. He seemed to have ceased all contact with me after he admitted, on a drunken evening, that he was sorry for how it all ended. That pisses me off, too.
I find it slightly amusing that, since he wasn't able to tell me any of his future plans himself, I've heard multiple stories from multiple people. He's going to open a bar in Omaha with a friend. He's going to work for Union Pacific. He's going back to school. He's going to be a security guard with his dad. He's going to work for the DEA. I don't wish failure for him. I wish happiness; I wish success.
I just hope I am happier and even more successful.
And goodness gracious, I hope that this was the last slap I needed to get myself there. As lame and excuse-giving as it may sound, I think I've held back a tiny bit in his presence. I mean, since the end. Now I have no excuses to be that much better of a person than he is rightthissecond.
I really really wish I wasn't the one who will have to fork over the cash for our divorce. It's funny that it was $45 and the cost of rings to get married, yet it will cost at least $500 to get unhitched in the state of North Carolina. Ugh.
I really wish I hadn't been so hasty. I really wish that I paid more attention to logic than my heart and my happy little imaginary life sometimes. I wish I had listened to my mother.
I really can create perfection in my mind. In my mind, we were about to have it. And then reality happened. And then I created a very poor reality for a while. Seriously, what was I thinking? Oh, right. I was on the search for someone who was nothing like him.
I still am, I'm just slowing down the steps. A lot. Finally.
Friday, January 9, 2009
'dear old love' can read minds.
Obstacles
I know the distance is a factor. As is your inability to admit that I am a total babe.Thursday, January 8, 2009
post script
I am pissed that Jason is merely hours away in some lonely hotel and I cannot hang out with him.
what the fuck is the internet?
I forgot I had a blog, apparently.
And honestly, I'm not sure I have anything new to talk about.
I am constantly repeating the same thing over and over.
Obsessing over the same person(s) that I cannot have. Always based on things I cannot change -- distance. Timing. Uncertainty.
(JUST BE HAPPY ON YOUR OWN FOR ONCE, AIMEE!)
I do feel as though I'm slowly -- slowly -- getting things under control.
I do feel as though the sooner I am able to quit my job at Castle Branch, the happier I will be. Sure, anywhere I work will not ensure all-time absolute happiness, but I feel like that place just drains my soul. I feel (jesus christ i say 'i feel' a lot) like the whole purpose of that company has been lost through the years due to money-hunger. Protecting families, and children, and the elderly has seemed to lose importance -- making the extra buck is what matters.
To add to my existing sourness, I think one coworker is such a hypochondriac that I just want to shake her. All she's talked about since getting married is planning a family, which is all good and fine, except that they decided they'd start trying in a year, which is also fine. The bitch is that she's already started talking about how her billions of "ailments" are going to make her have the most miserable pregnancy in the universe. IT'S A YEAR AWAY. LET IT GO. BETTER YET, REALIZE THAT LIFE IS GOOD AND THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. My supervisor is also a little bit of a hypochondriac, and a disgusting human. She talks with her mouth full, has smelly feet that I can smell through her shoes and socks, and only looks out for herself. The funny thing is, I don't hate these people at all. I just don't want to be around them all day everyday.
Phew. I didn't even really know I thought all of that!
In closing, I want to go to school and become a famous chef cheerleader princess.
And honestly, I'm not sure I have anything new to talk about.
I am constantly repeating the same thing over and over.
Obsessing over the same person(s) that I cannot have. Always based on things I cannot change -- distance. Timing. Uncertainty.
(JUST BE HAPPY ON YOUR OWN FOR ONCE, AIMEE!)
I do feel as though I'm slowly -- slowly -- getting things under control.
I do feel as though the sooner I am able to quit my job at Castle Branch, the happier I will be. Sure, anywhere I work will not ensure all-time absolute happiness, but I feel like that place just drains my soul. I feel (jesus christ i say 'i feel' a lot) like the whole purpose of that company has been lost through the years due to money-hunger. Protecting families, and children, and the elderly has seemed to lose importance -- making the extra buck is what matters.
To add to my existing sourness, I think one coworker is such a hypochondriac that I just want to shake her. All she's talked about since getting married is planning a family, which is all good and fine, except that they decided they'd start trying in a year, which is also fine. The bitch is that she's already started talking about how her billions of "ailments" are going to make her have the most miserable pregnancy in the universe. IT'S A YEAR AWAY. LET IT GO. BETTER YET, REALIZE THAT LIFE IS GOOD AND THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. My supervisor is also a little bit of a hypochondriac, and a disgusting human. She talks with her mouth full, has smelly feet that I can smell through her shoes and socks, and only looks out for herself. The funny thing is, I don't hate these people at all. I just don't want to be around them all day everyday.
Phew. I didn't even really know I thought all of that!
In closing, I want to go to school and become a famous chef cheerleader princess.
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