Today I received an email asking how I felt about something someone mentioned about J.
To this day, I feel equal amounts of hatred and love for J, so it's difficult for me to discern exactly how I'm feeling at the time. I still get the pain in my stomach I used to get six years ago -- particularly when I'm telling a story that took place in that time period, or when I see him with another woman. When I've been drinking wine, I will feel extreme hatred, or severe lust/love for him. I am often reminded of this the next day, and told that I started saying rude things *almost* loudly enough for him to hear. And yes, at times I will still exit the situation to go home to cry.
And yes, I still wonder when I will be indifferent to his existence.
As far as others' opinions are concerned: I actually prefer that people make their own decisions and leave my relationship out of it all. What we had, or didn't have, was between us (well, and I guess all the girls he decided to share himself with while we were together,) and shouldn't dictate if someone thinks he's a giant assclown.
Ahem. I'm just sayin'.
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1 comment:
needless to say i relate to a disturbing amount of this. in my case i actually get emails from the person wanting to know why i can't be more indifferent... and i am pretty much as indifferent as i ever expect i can be. i mean you know me IRL, i don't think i come across as that melancholy. i don't let it debilitate me anymore but if i think about it long enough, of course it still weighs pretty heavily. i don't see how having gone that far with someone you can ever completely lose that... but some seem capable of it.
all that said i'm still sorry the whirlwind has put you through some hurt. it really will get better and will be like The Movies.
you're like 'when will someone ELSE comment'
word verification: "suchly"... wow that's a real word
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