mucho mango

I think I have decided that Carmenere is my absolute favorite wine. It's rich -- dark -- delicious.

It's sexy, I think.

Sara called. Finally. Today's conversations have been exactly what I needed.

Oh yeah -- my phone is back on -- yay!

It's windy out. I think I'll stay in.

skrimps, dehydration, and feng shui

I am attempting shrimp potato salad. We'll see. I'm sure I'll like it because I'm starving.

I am also attempting to rearrange my room so it looks a little less like a dorm room. I stole some chairs from our storage shed to put my new sweet record player on -- I think the chairs belong to Josh, who is storing stuff with us for the time being, so it's a temporary fix.

I'm tempted to go grab a bottle of wine from the restaurant since "it's a holiday" and that's the justification I like to use. Plus, I do not intend to go out tonight. Mitchel made me feel a bit better about my life choices, so I think it's okay, too.


Nevermind. We have whiskey.

can money buy love?

The kid from Freaks and Geeks is on Bones. Ah, more eye candy.

I watched a cute movie at the suggestion of my parents. Called Priceless -- starring Audrey Tatou who, coincidentally, is the only woman I've ever really wanted to look like.

Christmas was interesting. I spent a majority of the day drinking a wine deemed 'chair wine' by my mother that I found in World Market during my first visit. I then joined Jason at his parents' house for a lovely meal. Highlights of the day included talking to Mitchel -- it had been years since we had spoken. It was calming -- it made me nostalgic. It made me equal parts happy and ... I don't know.. wistful. He told me talking to me again was like a gift. That statement alone has made me a crazy person.

Nathan brought over a record player that he claims to have no use for - which is pretty much the best present ever. We had a little dance party and it was awesome.

Hanging out with Jason was also awesome -- I was sad to see him jet back to CA, but glad to know I have people throughout the US that I feel totally comfortable around.

I worked a zillion and a half hours at The Basics over the holiday, too. It was exhausting, but I made enough to pay rent and buy cat food -- yay!

exhausted.

I am.

I worked from 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. last night. I think I took a half hour lunch.

Needless to say, my body aches.

All in all, it was worth it. I made decent money in the restaurant, and my friends Nathan and Jason came in to entertain me.

I woke up to Josephine farting loudly while Ryan slept soundly on the dining room floor.

I made coffee for my hung over house guests and stumbled to work to buy breakfast for my department since I didn't even bother to get anyone a card.

For Christmas, I would like some socks and to hug my mother.

A Dyslexic Walks into a Bra

"I'm thirsty."

"Well, I'm Friday, come over Saturday and we'll have a Sunday."

Last night, I watched the 2008 Year in Review on ABC. My roommates and I were teary-eyed the entire time. As I age, I feel as though I am 'witnessing history in the making' .. a statement I hate using. (I feel as though it is terribly redundant.) But honestly -- the footage of Jesse Jackson sobbing during Obama's uh.. acceptance (?) speech brings me to tears every time I watch it.

Perhaps the future really will be better.

le sigh.

I am so good at convincing myself that impossible possibilities are possible.

Today I feel

unimpressive.

Sometimes, I feel I possess the ability to charm and woo everyone I meet.

Today, I feel as though every story I tell, and every question I ask, is stupid. Boring, even.

Lists of Twos

1. It has been confirmed that J is moving.
2. It has been confirmed that J has been fired from his job at the Soapbox.

Months ago, I probably would have laughed at both of these confirmations.

I am not laughing.

I am wondering when he will become the person he once was- the man I fell in love with - the man who, still, after all his fuck-ups, has the potential to be Great.

Two New Year "Suggestions" for my well being:
1. Do not get black out drunk
2. Do not get black out drunk and sleep with friends and/or coworkers as a means to feel less empty

(Not that I do either of these often -- I am simply often tempted to.)

Two New Year "do's" for my well being:
1. Quit smoking. (for fuck's sake, aimee, seriously. isn't it about time?)
2. Actually exercise on a regular basis

Two Hobbies to stick to:
1. Learn fucking Spanish (like quitting smoking, also about fucking time.)
2. Sew clothes (and save yourself some money!)

Two Songs I like today:
1. The Chipmunk Song: Alvin and the Chipmunks
2. Money Honey: Ry Cooder

Oh dear. This was a bit more teeny-bopper myspace blog post than I was going for.

Last night was bowling with The Basics employees, and I must say, the best company xmas party I have attended to date. I work with an eclectic crew, but we had fun -- and my bowling wasn't half bad. My only complaint was the jukebox; it carried rap and country.

Only rap and country.

T. Pain does not inspire me to bowl a 300.

I received a wonderfully lengthy email from an old friend slash TheManIWillProbablyAlwaysHaveACrushOn -- he touched on 'talking about the weather' and the related insincerity. After reading, I realized that I talk about the weather all the time. I've become comfortable with that which I hate: meaningless banter with coworkers, all whom I have nothing in common with. I, too, ask people how they are doing -- and I don't give a shit. I don't! On the flip side, if someone's having a terrible day -- I care. I want people to be happy. But if Fluffy learned a new trick, or your Grandmother's hip surgery went well, or you got in a fight with your obviously unfaithful husband about his barrage of underage female Facebook friends -- I DON'T CARE!

In closing, I just might be an asshole.

Oh, sweet melancholic nostalgia

I took today off for no good reason. I am doing exciting things like cleaning the house during commercial breaks of All My Children.

The last few weeks I feel like I've been stumbling upon everything that reminds me of my family and childhood and anything related...

It's been good. It's been tearful. It's been helpful, I think.

I received a present last night! A handknit scarf. It's quite pretty!
(Although today it is far too warm to wear it.)

I wonder if Myrtle died in real life, too. Hm.

I realized I've been watching this silly soap opera for 28 years. Weird.

Coffee = vomit of random thoughts about fucking television.

If only

"You had a crush on me?! I had a crush on you!!"

But that was so long ago. I was fucked up then. I am fucked up now.

It's time to trade in this luggage for the new model.


I am a great speller!

one nation under gonzo.

How's about a rip-your-heart-out night?

I watched Prozac Nation. When it was over, the Muppets Christmas special was on.

I tried telling my roommate how much I can relate to characters like Lizzie. I tried explaining that it is not a struggle for me to feel things with such abandon that it's hard to convince myself of other feelings to be had. I prefaced my statement with, 'luckily, I can function without medication,' which is a true statement. A lucky and true statement. It's hard to explain things like that without sounding cliche. Without it sounding like I want my life to be a movie.. which anyone who knows me can say is true. I just find it easy to decide whether or not I can relate to a character in a movie because the characters are well-developed. What you see is what you get, and you usually get to see a lot. Real life gives people the ability to share what they want and hide the rest. Or try so hard to fit in that the truth doesn't really exist.

In reference to the Muppets. . . I've just caught a lot of shows that invoke memories of childhood lately. It's wearing on me a little because I want to go home. No. I want to morph to my parents' house and only see the people I want to see because I still don't feel like explaining my life to strangers who think they are my friends.

If my life was a movie, I wouldn't write those strangers into the script.

Wednesday, Bloody Humpday?

I am easily proud of myself. I say this because I gave blood for the first time in my life and actually thought to myself 'I saved a life today.' Then I felt heroic and wonderful.

I also bought new running shoes last night and went for a (very short) jog in the rain.

Then I felt heroic and wonderful. Not really, but you understand the it's the little things that really impact me.

I find myself bothered when I give good friends advice based on my own life experience and they disregard it completely. By no means do I consider myself to be an expert on most subjects -- but when I tell someone, 'Hey, if you keep doing this, it's going to hurt your heart far worse in the end. Believe me, I've done the same thing," I expect at least a flutter of 'Gee, maybe she's onto something.'

I really don't think about things like this out or arrogance. I think about how much I still feel stabbing pain from past experiences, and I don't wish anyone I love to feel that.

That is all. Carry on.

What I think about him.

Today I received an email asking how I felt about something someone mentioned about J.

To this day, I feel equal amounts of hatred and love for J, so it's difficult for me to discern exactly how I'm feeling at the time. I still get the pain in my stomach I used to get six years ago -- particularly when I'm telling a story that took place in that time period, or when I see him with another woman. When I've been drinking wine, I will feel extreme hatred, or severe lust/love for him. I am often reminded of this the next day, and told that I started saying rude things *almost* loudly enough for him to hear. And yes, at times I will still exit the situation to go home to cry.

And yes, I still wonder when I will be indifferent to his existence.

As far as others' opinions are concerned: I actually prefer that people make their own decisions and leave my relationship out of it all. What we had, or didn't have, was between us (well, and I guess all the girls he decided to share himself with while we were together,) and shouldn't dictate if someone thinks he's a giant assclown.

Ahem. I'm just sayin'.

Phobias and Phone Numbers

Although I woke up exhausted, I decided it was going to be an okay day.

There was a pretty girl sleeping on my couch -- and who doesn't like waking up to a pretty girl? Apparently she was a roommate of my roommate's. In any case, she was nice and didn't seem to mind that Josephine was acting like her obnoxious feline self.

It was also beautiful outside. It reminded me of springtime in Nebraska -- slightly overcast with a delightfully crisp smell and just barely cool enough for a scarf. Plus, I woke up in time to make coffee, and nothing makes my mornings better than coffee during my walk to work.

The way there, while obsessing over a 'conversation' with Nathan about finding my One True Love, I saw a homeless woman vomit, which almost ruined my morning due to my severe vomitphobia.

I ran into a man on a motorcycle three times (outside the municipal building, outside the post office, and outside the bank). Each time we shared pleasant greetings, even though his helmet was on. The third time he asked if I would call him if he gave me his phone number. I told him I couldn't promise anything and he gave it to me anyway. For some reason, I found the whole exchange to be hilarious -- perhaps because I never saw his face.

Work today is filled with undertones of slight embarrassment. Secret smiles from alcohol induced conversation and dancing that took place at the Christmas party on Friday. All in all, a normal Monday.

I am giving blood on Wednesday for the first time in my life and I'm nervous. Does that make me a baby?

it could be worse.

Watching the show 'Ruby,' while reading Post Secrets is kind of depressing me.

I am brainstorming. I am feeling the need to stalk, which is good in a sense. I'm still struggling to "find myself," but I feel like if I find myself falling back into old school habits, it can only be good -- as long as the old school habit is something harmless like making a mixtape for a stranger.

(I wonder if I even have blank cassettes.)

With that said, I continue to consume far too much alcohol and allow myself to make silly decisions -- some far more enjoyable than others -- such as yesterday's. Ha!

Oh! I won a $100 gift card to the mall at the company christmas party. I might buy new running shoes. I think that would be a step in the right direction.